Here, dear Earthlings, is a bunch of my favourite bits from my heroic (initial) campaign to become Mayor of the Earth Capital, London in 2021, and/or to get more votes than Laurence Fox. I brought voters a touch of intergalactic class as well as some ingenious policies that will one day PUT LONDON ON THE MAP. All extra money I raised was donated to Shelter, to help combat homelessness. As for what I’d do for the greatest city on your planet, click here for my manifesto!
OFFICIAL: MY CAMPAIGN WAS THE BEST ON THE PLANET
From the London Evening Standard
CONSPIRACY THEORY No.1: Laurence Fox’s real plan?
CONSPIRACY THEORY No.2: (I guarantee you this is wrong)
THE BALLOT PAPER!
Well ain’t this just a beautiful thing! Londoners, you know what to do!
CHANNELING MY INNER JACKIE WEAVER
GREEN WAR!
The Green Party shoot themselves in the foot. I shoot back.
A Happy Punter
This is just a small taste of what Bin-Faced Politics can achieve. Tremble, local councils, before my intergalactic community spirit!
The Dorset of Perception
An Easter treat to be proud of: I have received an endorsement for Mayor from the all-important borough of, erm, Dorset. Still, I’ll take everything I can get. Aliens can’t be too picky.
AN INVITATION FROM PIERS CORBYN
Today I received an invitation from Piers Corbyn to attend a rally on Friday 2nd April, in order “to end BBC psyop propaganda”. I am happy to publish below my reply to Piers and his team:
Thanks for the invitation. Please accept my apologies but I won't be attending Piers Corbyn's rally on Good Friday. Even space warriors running for mayor like to put their feet up on a bank holiday, and ranting at the treasured, embattled national broadcaster in the middle of a pandemic is not really my idea of fun. Plus I don't want to miss Carry On Doctor on ITV3. I hope you have a peaceful demonstration and I look forward to hearing all about it, on BBC News.
Galactic best wishes,
CB x
RUNNERS AND RIDERS
The Daily Mail, bless ‘em, have written a piece on the contenders for the mayoralty of the Earth Capital, and it comes complete with this delicious photo of the leading candidates (moi included). I am very happy with this mock-up, as any avid fan of the Grand National will know that success is all about timing, The early leaders end up at the glue factory. If you’d like to read the full piece click here.
UNLIKELY ENDORSEMENTS!
EXPLAINING MY POLICIES ON TIMES RADIO, with Matt Chorley
INTERVIEW WITH THE HACKNEY POST, MARCH 2021
I was delighted to be interviewed by the lovely people at the Hackney Post, who put a concise version of our chat on their website which you can read here. I’ve also posted the full thing below for your reading pleasure.
Why are you running for London Mayor?
Well the first answer to that is another question: why not? More specifically, I am big fan of the Earth Capital, London. In fact I'd put it in the top googolplex of my favourite cities in the cosmos. And after the strangest year in living memory, what candidate could clean up the mess better a life-form who comes complete with built-in bin? When you think about it like that, it would be crazier if I didn't run for election. You know, when you're an intergalactic space warrior, if you want to cast your net across the whole universe you mustn't forget about the little places. And that's why I'm here.
Have you got any policies relating to Hackney? If so could you please explain?
I certainly do. My key Hackney-related policy is to improve London Fields, and specifically the provision of public toilet facilities. I would greatly enhance them, and I would ensure that they are all signposted "WC Fields". I'd also do something about the sky-rocketing house prices, which are a bloody joke.
Has your fundraiser been successful?
Well, at the time of our interview things are still ongoing but the GoFundMe is ticking along, and I'm confident that at the very least I will have raised enough cash to stand as a London-wide member of the Greater London Assembly. Do you know much about the GLA? No, nobody does. So I spy a little bin-shaped gap to shake things up there. If the good people of London agree, that is. Watch this hyperspace.
Do you have any opinions on either your fellow candidates Laurence Fox or Shaun Bailey?
Who?
Do you think you'll be more successful in this election than previous?
'Even more', I think you mean. So far I've won a grand total of 318 votes from humans at British elections. I'm pretty sure that's a record for an extra-terrestrial. It's certainly more than E.T. ever got in 1982. That turd-shaped little tyke just turned up, drank a woman's beer supply dry, got a kid drunk and committed all manner of social offences that today would get him cancelled quicker than you can say Flying Bicycle. I'm quietly optimistic that the citizens of London will take one look at the candidates on offer in 2021 and genuinely question whether a Ceefax-fixated alien is a better bet. I'm not sure if that says more about them or me.