ME AND MY 69 WITH BORIS JOHNSON
I thoroughly enjoyed challenging Prime Minister Boris Johnson at the 2019 General Election, where I received a glorious 69 votes from the great British public. Yes that’s right, I experienced a surprising 69 with Boris in a London sports hall under a full moon at 4am on Friday the 13th. I’d love to say that’s a first, but with Boris you just can’t be sure. This historic result represents a seismic 0.1% swing to the bin #swingbin. Total victory is now a mere matter of time, I’m sure you will agree.
My battle with Boris represented my second (moral) victory against a Conservative Prime Minister. For I used to be Lord Buckethead and ran as him in the 2017 General Election, when Theresa May’s Tory government went to the polls in order to solve the problem of Brexit once and for all. My big news since that heady night at the Magnet Leisure Centre Maidenhead was that I’d renounced my peerage. I was no longer Lord Buckethead. This was partly because I promised to abolish the Lords last time and I’m a politician who keeps his promises, and partly because I later suffered an unpleasant battle on the planet Copyright. This left me unbowed and with a new-found appreciation of the likes of Boss Cat, WWE and AFC Wimbledon. While I was at it, I thought I’d give myself a promotion (I’m not a fool) and hence I respawned in my true guise as Count Binface!
My Exclusive 2019 Manifesto is here!
Earthlings, behold below my bold and bracing set of policies for the election campaign. It is officially the most detailed Count Binface manifesto yet, and it is a fully-costed programme that marries fiscal responsibility and public investment with an interest in lasers.
London Bridge to be renamed ‘Phoebe Waller’.
Ceefax to be brought back immediately.
Investment in 20,001 more police officers.
Nationalisation of the model railways (and Adele).
Ross Kemp to be the next poet laureate.
Massive expansion in recycling in all sectors except Hollywood movie plots.
£1 trillion a week for the NHS.
Sir David Attenborough to be on the fourth plinth at Trafalgar Square (or a statue of him, I don’t mind which).
Any Czechs on the Irish border are to be allowed to stay there.
Philip Green’s estates to be used as land for social housing.
Piers Morgan to be zero emissions by 2030.
Legalisation of the hunting of fox-hunters.
Regeneration of the “Intu” Shopping Centre, Uxbridge.
Speakerphones to be banned on public transport.
Donald Trump’s life to be the source material for a new pantomime at the London Palladium, starring Julian Clary as Trump and Gary Wilmot as Barack Obama.
Shops that play Christmas music before December are to be closed down and turned into public libraries.
Abolition of the Lords (all of them this time).
Universal Credit to be repealed and, more importantly, renamed. (Nowhere else in the universe would enact a policy devised by Iain Duncan Smith)
BBC commentator on all state occasions to be Craig Charles.
Katie Hopkins to be banished to the Phantom Zone.
The hand dryer in the gents’ toilet at the Crown & Treaty, Uxbridge to be moved to a more sensible position.
The BBC to bring back Grandstand, no matter what sports it can afford the rights to.
Jacob Rees-Mogg to be prorogued.
New voting age limit of 16 to be introduced. New voting age limit of 80 to be introduced too.
Nuclear weapons: a firm public commitment to build the £100bn renewal of the Trident weapons system, followed by an equally firm private commitment not to build it. They’re secret submarines, no one will ever know. It’s a win win.
University tuition fees to be charged to any politician who has ever voted for university tuition fees, plus interest.
Stop selling arms to repressive regime. Start buying lasers from Count Binface.
Novelty candidates in British elections must not be controlled or exploited in any way by film producers in the United States.
On Brexit: there must be another referendum, about whether there should be another referendum.
Oh and I’ll throw in free broadband.
Filming at Channel 4 News for an online video encouraging young people to register to vote.